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For me as a woman in my late thirties, I’ve always believed that courtesy is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a happy life, I’ve battled very low self-confidence. This mix of wanting to respect others and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Often, it happens so reflexively that I’m unconscious of it. It originates in anxiety and has affected both my personal and professional life. It annoys my loved ones and colleagues, and then I get annoyed when they bring it up—which only worsens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Asking Questions

This over-apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to speaking to others or asking questions in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay focused and avoid nervous rambling, but even that fails most of the time. As an early-career academic in government studies, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through gradual exposure, such as leading sessions and forcing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing setbacks from senior male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I return to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I doubt I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still value life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to curb the constant apologizing. I’ve heard that therapy might assist me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a burden on others.

Understanding the Roots

A therapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this started?” or “Was it your own idea or inherited from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once benefited us become maladaptive in later years.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-sabotage. You are aware it bothers those around you, yet you keep doing it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than acting. Much of helpful sessions is about self-awareness, not just fixing issues. A experienced counselor will supportively question you, offering a comfortable setting to explore and accept who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a connection-based method with a supportive guide might be more helpful. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you treat, disregard, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-esteem can grow from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing ingrained patterns is hard, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an try to avoid shame or exposure, by admitting perceived flaws before others do. This can create a cycle of annoyance and anxiety.

Even processing later can be helpful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel heard without you taking accountability.

This process will take patience, but admitting there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward change.